The Immense Importance of Looking Up

Social Media has taken over my life. 

It's all I do. 

My face is almost always buried in my phone. 

I'm perpetually stuck in a cycle of checking

                                                                     and checking  

                                                                                          and checking....

It's my entire focus. It's the only thing that has my attention. I'm addicted to the fact that I'm so connected to everyone in the world. I'm addicted to the fact that social media can make or break me. The amount of likes on my picture denotes whether or not I'm in fact as beautiful as the comments on my picture tell me. The amount of retweets I receive encourage me in my endeavor to be the most well-liked. I'm addicted to the fact that online I can be anything I want to be.

But how in the world did something that was intended to connect us with everyone all over the world cause us to become so disconnected to the ones closest to us? 

I'm one of the worst cases of social media addicts that you'll ever see. 

I am a member of just about every social media that has come to play since I turned ten years old. 

I post a photo on my Instagram (an app to share photos and videos) just about once every single day, but most of them end up deleted due to lack of likes or due to my amount of anxiety when it comes to what people will think of the content. I have 753 followers and I follow 529 people. I know without a doubt that I hardly know half of those people. My account is currently privated, but I still allow just about anybody to follow me. 

When my boyfriend of 14 months and I are together we take pictures and I almost always post one of Instagram right after. I then spend a majority of our time together checking to see the amount of likes the picture has gotten, or scrolling through my news feed to see what other people have posted. I blame it on my fear of missing out on something important. 

Next comes Facebook. I've had an account since about the fifth grade, after much begging and pleading with my mom. I don't even think I had anything at all to post, but I wanted so badly to be considered cool by my fellow peers with accounts. I have 1,099 friends on Facebook. I do not know that many people. I don't post Facebook statuses often, nor do I post many update photos, however, I still spend a rather large amount of time on the site just scrolling through the news feed. I again, aimlessly blame it on my fear of missing out on anything. 

Snapchat. I constantly refresh my feed to see if anyone has posted anything to their stories that they didn't post to their social media accounts. I always want to make sure to refresh it often and make my presence known, because hey, who wants to be left out of any juicy gossip that were to arise from something that was seen on someone's story? I don't want to be left out. 

I don't have a Twitter account anymore, but I know that when I did I spent almost every waking second refreshing the news feed to catch a glimpse of what's been happening. It's embarrassing to think of all the things I tweeted, and how I was so offended by the harsh things that people would say back to me about the things I tweeted. People weren't kind. Never, not at all. But hey, it was worth it, because guess who never felt left out? 

It's a recurring theme. A recurring concept that teenagers now choose to use as their primary motive for allowing these social media accounts to become their lives. It has become so important to my generation to be on top of everything around them globally, that they have become disconnected when it comes to those around them personally. 

I've seen so many posts so often on social media accounts (oh, the irony) with pictures of teenagers on dates or on outings where all of them are glued to their cell-phones. I know that I spend entirely too much time on my cell phone when I'm out on a date or with my friends. I'm the friend that is always taking pictures, that is always posting. I call it documenting memories, when in actuality it's just obsessing.

To me, it's become so much about 'remembering the moment' that I no longer live inside of it. I'm always making sure to take pictures and to post status updates, but when I look back on those pictures and updates, they're nothing but empty memories to me. 

I feel like I'm losing precious time with family and friends. I'm never going to get the time back that I spent glued to my cell phone instead of listening to a story about someone's childhood. I will never get the time back that I spent checking instagram instead of listening to why someone likes oldies music instead of the new poppy stuff. 

There aren't enough apologies that I could ever give out that will excuse my absence in the real world. There isn't enough explanation that can justify my heightened presence within that of my online life. 

It has become less about the conversations we have over lunch and more about the amount of likes we get on the pictures from that time we spent together. 

It's no longer about the things you love about me, but the amount of comments and likes that display of love receives on Instagram. 

And I'm so incredibly sorry that I've been so absent in my life. 

I want to experience more of the moments and worry less about documenting them. 

Here's to realizing I have a problem and aiming to fix them. 

I challenge you all to do the same. 

Step outside. Breathe. Take a deep breath. 

Look up. 

Because what's the use of documenting your life, if you feel like you haven't ever lived? 

So here's to deleting my apps and deactivating my accounts. 

Now is my time to live.

Stay Golden. 

Jessica. 

Ten Things They'll Never Admit To You About Growing Up

Growing up is tough.

I remember being a little girl and wanting so badly to be able to shop in the junior's section at Kohls. I never really ventured into those sections, not because I was too small to fit into anything, but because there were teenagers browsing through the clothes! At such a young age I was already embarrassed and afraid of doing something because of the fear that someone else would judge me for it.

Looking back now, I can't help but laugh. I'm one of those teenagers now. I see little girls avert their attention away from the clothes I'm looking at when they brave their way into the junior's section. I'm the monster. Heck, I'm intimidating to them.

But goodness gracious little darlings, that's how it'll be for rest of your lives! So here it is: The truth... As told by someone who just started growing up herself.

~~~

         Ten Things They Don't Admit To You About Growing Up 

1. No matter how old you are, people are still going to judge you. 

    If I could turn back time and run and tell little me that I was still going to be afraid to be judged by the teenagers in the junior's section, then boy I would. I wish someone would have told me that people were going to judge me no matter who I was. I still find myself self consciously sifting through store racks, anxiously hoping that no one is judging me for what I'm choosing. The only time I find myself completely confident is when I'm shopping with someone else. It's so easy to be at ease when you have someone there pushing you forward, or encouraging you on. I find it so wonderful when I'm with my friends shopping because they'll make snarky comments within our group just to ease the tension or any uneasy thoughts. It sounds so dorky, and so little girlish, but shopping with your mom (or dad, I don't know) will forever be your favorite thing - unless you're in that weird I-don't-like-my-parents phase, then fly free little butterfly - because they are easily, and will forever be your biggest fans. I'm not going to totally excuse the whole "Honey, you don't look bad in that dress", because we all knew we looked hideous in that dress, but your mom (or dad) sees you as perfect all the time. Back to the topic at hand though... There will forever be people that judge you for anything and everything you do. So once you figure that out you basically can conquer the world, because once you realize that no matter what they're going to judge you, you'll start to live for yourself. And guys, let me be the first to tell you that living for yourself is the bomb.com... Especially when it comes to wearing a particular scarf multiple times because it's cozy and having certain people in your household complain all the time about it... Mom. 

2. Not everyone is going to agree with your opinions... And that's okay. 

    It is going to be so easy to want to conform to what your classmates or family members believe. This year in particular, I've come to learn that people are quick to argue their opinion when they don't align with yours. While that is super obnoxious, it also makes it harder to stand your ground. There have been so many times amidst a debate that I so badly want to just give up. I want to step back and dismiss my beliefs as inferior to that of others. Once I get into a debate, I find it so hard to stand up for myself because I've come to dislike conflict. I believed so intensely that everyone was supposed to like everything I did and agree with me. I would go to extreme lengths to argue my point because I wanted them to understand what I was saying... Not necessarily agree with me, but just to understand the reasons why I felt the way I did. It was so incredibly important to me that they knew why I thought what I did. Why I felt so strongly for certain topics - you name it. I was a stickler for fitting in. Just recently, I was in the middle of a debate with someone when I realized that I was arguing for naught. Just as I wanted to be understood, so did the other person. It wasn't so much about being convinced of their belief, it was being convinced that their belief was justified. It made sense to me then that I didn't need to argue what I believed in, because it was what I believed in. It didn't have to be what anyone else believed in... As long as it made me happy personally, then I shouldn't worry. And you shouldn't either, young grasshopper. So rejoice and make your own opinions, cause hey, that's what growing up is all about. 

3. Not everyone is going to like you.

    Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh. This is my least favorite truth of them all. This is definitely one of the hardest for me to accept.  I find it so hard to accept the fact that there are people out there who will look at me and not like me for how pretty they think I am, or for how ugly they think I am. I hate the fact that there are people out there who will dislike me because of how intelligent I am, or because of how unintelligent they believe I am. They'll dislike me because they think I'm annoying or boring, or because I have a lackluster personality or too much of one. There will people who I've never even talked to that will hate me, and people who I've been friends with for months that will decide one day that they don't want to be in my company any longer. It's just the way it is, but boy is it tough. I don't understand. I don't think I ever will, I don't know if anyone ever has or will. It's just something that one has to come to terms with, but on the flipside, there will be people who adore you. These people might not have been who you always imagined yourself being friends with, but boy will you come to appreciate these people. I've found myself in the company of some amazing people that I've discovered in places where I'd never thought they'd lie. I would never trade where I am today to be anywhere else, and I don't believe anyone else should either. Do what makes you happy. Enjoy the people you meet in those places. None of this will matter sometime from now, anyway. 

4. There is NOTHING wrong with being intelligent. 

    This is such a huge one. It's no secret that the intelligent ones are always the awfully portrayed ones in media everywhere. I don't spend much time watching any Kid's TV but I remember the smart people on those TV shows weren't really the ones I'd ever want to be like. They were always bullied or the ugly ones or the ones that no one wanted to be around. They were portrayed so awfully that I have no idea how any child could look at that kind of thing and aspire to be that way. We see it so often when it comes to different situations. In reality TV shows, in the TV channels that teenagers choose to spend their time watching... The smart ones are always the bad ones. The ones that no one wants to be. Sometimes, they're the winner in the end, but is it really safe to teach the younger generations that if they're smart, they have to wait until they're grown to be rewarded for their intelligence? It's so important for us to realize that being who you are is okay. Whether you are someone who doesn't have to study at all for anything in school or you're someone who is forced to spend their days with their nose buried in a book just to get away with a B on a test. It's all okay. What's not okay is not trying. It's so important to set up a good foundation for yourself now and for your future. It's never too earlier, and it will never, ever be too late to get your life in check. All you have to do is try. 

5. Don't stress yourself out now, because it only gets harder as you work your way up.

    I'm easily one of the most stressed teenagers you'll ever meet. I have built so much pressure upon myself to be perfect that little things easily push me over the edge. I'm constantly pushing myself to get better grades, to look perfect, to have my act together, to have a good social life. I've put so much pressure on myself to maintain the perfect girl image. I want to be seen as that girl who totally has her life together, the one who just never screws up... And let me tell you how unattainable that goal is. I screw up so often that it's almost as if the world enjoys seeing me fail. That's silly though, because that's not it at all. It's almost as if the world is trying to teach me that messing up is okay, and that I should not at all be allowing myself this much pressure. It's ridiculous. One day when I'm that daily show host, or correspondent for Good Morning America, or even if I choose to pursue a career in special needs education for preschoolers, I will endure so much more stress than I ever knew possible. If I allow myself to stress over what is the now, then how will I survive then? That's what's so important to know. What is happening now is so much smaller than you will endure when you're actually forced into the real world. This is the time to enjoy yourself. It's okay to care, but to care to the point of pressuring yourself to be perfect, that's when you can lose yourself, and all you've worked to be. Keep calm and carry on. That should be your life motto through high-school. Oh, and YOLO. Just kidding. Seriously, mom. I promise. 

6. Being Yourself is SO incredibly important. 

    "But I don't know who I am yet?" Exactly. This is why it's so important to do your best to try to figure out who you are, little munchkin. That's why it's so important for you to take chances and make mistakes. That's why it's so incredibly important for you to be okay with not fitting in. Why it's so important for you to be open to what is and what may be. It's why you have to be okay with transitioning from friend group to friend group; with giving up friends that you had for ages for friends that you'd never thought you would ever have. I don't know if you find yourself in high-school or if you end up finding yourself in college, but regardless, it's important to be aware and open with what's around you. It's not going to be fair at times, but it'll be so worth it. 

7. Procrastinating is bad, but you're going to do it anyway. 

   Everyone is going to tell you that you shouldn't procrastinate, but I truly believe everyone does. It's just a habit that we as humans adopt. I'd like to tell you that you shouldn't procrastinate, but it'd be for naught. Procrastinating is awful, and you shouldn't do it, but you will. I hate hate hate to say it, but you're going to put off your homework to go to that party or to do other things that require your immediate attention, and you know what? As long as you get it done, go ahead. 

8. You're going to make mistakes. 

    This goes back to not being perfect. Things are going to go wrong. Things are going to go so very wrong and you're going to want to shout to the world in anger and ask why, but you know what, at the end of the day, it's all a learning process. This is what it takes to grow up, and I know it's awful, I know it sucks but this is the foundation for a BETTER you. This is the start of such a better life, and you should embrace it. You're going to make dumb mistakes and do stupid things, but it's all apart of becoming an adult. Now, I'm not saying go and be stupid just because, but in the end, you're learning a lesson. Enjoy your teenage years while you can and hold on tight. Make memories and learn from your mistakes... Don't dwell on them. You're just that much closer to becoming who you're supposed to be. 

9. SLEEP IS SO IMPORTANT!

    This is going to be the shortest truth but I have to address it. Sleep is going to be your best friend forever and forever. Take naps while you can. Enjoy long sleep. Enjoy nights without lots of homework. Sleep in on the weekend. Go to sleep early. Take cat naps as often as possible. Enjoy sleep because it is your youth and it may become your salvation. Sleep will become your refuge. Sleep is the best medicine. Take it in while you can

10. It's going to be really, really hard.

    And the last truth to be told. I already gave way to this at the beginning of this post, but here it is. Growing up is hard. You're going to hate it. That's just the truth. You're going to hate it when your significant other breaks your heart. You're going to hate it when people you trusted tell your secrets. You're going to hate it when you realize you're just one grade level closer to leaving mom and dad for college. You're going to hate it when you realize that you're just that much closer to being responsible for yourself. You're going to come to a slamming halt when you finally realize that a lot of people don't care, and that you're a simple soul that cares too much in a world that just cares too little.... But guess what? It's okay. It's okay to cry and scream and be angry with the world. It's okay to hug your mom. It's okay to cuddle close to her when you're feeling upset. It's okay to hold on tightly to your grandparents. It's okay to be sixteen and call your dad, daddy. And goodness, it is so very okay to crawl into bed with your parents when you're afraid of the dark. You don't have to face growing up alone. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to not be what society wants you to be. It is so, so okay to accept yourself even when you feel as if others don't accept you. It's going to be so awful sometimes and you're going to wish that you could just give up but it's just one bad day amongst a bundle of good ones. You're going to realize one day that you may be one day closer to leaving your parents, but that means you're one day to having a family of your own. You're going to love it when you realize that you're going to be able to raise kids of your own. You're going to love it when you realize you're going to be pursuing your dreams soon. You're going to marry the love of you life someday, and that's so exciting! So while it may suck, and you wish so badly you could turn back time... This is it. So you might as well make the most of it while you can. 

~~~~

So that was that. Hope you all enjoyed this terribly long read. Stay warm and stay happy. 

But most of all, 

Stay Golden. 

Jessica. 

Belittle Me This: Kindness as a Facade

Question of the Day: When did belittling others become society's latest trend?

I believe it's safe to admit that today's society no longer cares for other's feelings. It has become routine to belittle others for the way they speak, what they wear, or how they choose to display themselves. It has become so easy to judge someone because of how they choose to live versus how society would like them to.

It has become the age of conforming in such a way that one believes they are not conforming. There is no longer a difference between someone who lives for society's acceptance and someone who behaves in such a different way that society addresses them as someone who is non-conforming solely with the intention of conforming.

It is rare to find someone who is solely different for the sake of being themselves. This comes from the fact that society mocks those who choose to be themselves. If you don't fit in and you do something out of line, you are the one who is wrong. It is so easy to lay claim to the fact that being just like everyone else is right, because it's safe. 

It'd be so easy to lie and say that I deliberately do not conform, however, I do fall into the depths of conformity. I am so obsessed with fitting in because I am terrified of standing out. I've constantly watched people just be themselves, and be ridiculed for it...

So my faith in people has start to dwindle.

I've done it too. I'm sure you have as well. It's human nature to adopt other's habits, so watching someone else ridicule someone for a specific behavior will cause us to do the same. It's easy to lay claim to the fact that we wish we could say that we would never make fun of someone for simply being themselves, but in the moment, when other people are... we conform.

I'm feeling lost. I'm feeling confused. I'm feeling ashamed.

Why is kindness so taboo?

All I want to hear for once is: "You're okay. Don't worry about what society thinks, you are okay."

And to have someone truly mean it.

Stay Golden.

Jessica.

Why I Will Never Allow My Medical Records to Define Me

My life has been a roller-coaster since my last blog post.

I went through a really awful season of an activity that I loved, I buckled beneath pressure to be perfect, and I've now learned of two new chronic illnesses that have taken residence within me.

It began in the summer during the marching band season, when we got a new colorguard coach. I felt a lot of pressure from her, and although she was incredible at her craft, the pressure we received from her was too much for me to handle.

Those few months were really tough on me emotionally. I felt a constant pressure to be what everyone wanted me to be. It was no longer about my own happiness, but instead the happiness of others. I don't remember when exactly I buckled, but I remember how difficult it became to continue.

I fell back into a depression that I hadn't experienced since middle school. My anxiety was uncontrollable. My mental state became so disheveled that I to this day still have to work to bring myself back to my happy medium. It was as if my mind saw this experience as traumatic, and I suppose it was, in a way. The toughest part about the whole season though, I believe, is the fact that I fell so far out of love with something that I truly believed was my sole passion.

Throughout the season, I began to get sicker again. I experienced many spouts of "celiac attacks" that were triggered by stress instead of gluten. It was well within the season that I realized I wasn't just experiencing my normal pain anymore.

When my body began to ache, it wasn't of too much concern. I was doing a ton of physical activity. I was working my body really hard, so of course there was going to be some kick-backs to the extraneous activity. I found it strange that I was no longer able to run with the rest of the girls for numerous laps without feeling pain within my knees. Simply bending my knees during choreography became a task.

I remember constantly having to take Advil and use heating patches for the pain that I felt throughout me. There are no words to express how frustrating it was becoming to constantly be in pain during this season. I began to hate colorguard so intensely that it was a chore to go back every single day. It was no longer just frustrating mentally, but physically. I believed my body was beginning to fight me back for allowing myself to succumb to the pressure that was being put on me.

We went to the doctors to try and figure out what could possibly be wrong with me, and they ran blood tests. This resulted in a positive ANA test, which was terrifying to say the least. This confirmed the belief that there was something else wrong within me - another autoimmune disorder to live with. After lupus was ruled out, we were left at what we thought was another dead end.

Hope grew within me, however, when a rheumatology office in Atlanta allowed me to schedule an appointment with them - regardless of my young age. When I went to my rheumatologist for the first time, I remember noticing how I was noticeably the youngest one in the waiting room. It was not even by a few years, but an obvious age gap when it came to the other patients in the waiting room and I. My mother and I made jokes about it, since there was no way we could change the situation.

My doctor is incredible. I can honestly say that she was the first doctor that has truly listened to everything that I've said and taken them all into consideration without brushing it off. After the first initial appointment and the blood tests came back, I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis. The skin condition that I've had since birth was now in my joints.

I now had an explanation for why sometimes my fingers locked up so bad when I was writing that I dropped my pencil. It explained why my knees get red and swollen after too much physical activity. It explained why my wrists were always aching. I was given an anti-inflammatory to take and sent on my merry way.

Everything was fine, before it became awful again. It wasn't just my joints anymore. The pain radiated everywhere it could. I was constantly aching, even after small bouts of physical activity, or days where I did nothing at all.

Two weeks ago, my mother and I went back to the rheumatologist and my doctor confirmed our suspicions: I had fibromyalgia.

She touched each of the 'fibro tender points' on my body, and pain shot through me each time. I cried shamelessly after she finished and she asked me questions about my sleep, about my mental state, and then gave me the final diagnosis.

There is no magic cure for Fibromyalgia. There is no magic cure for Psoriasis or Psoriatic Arthritis. There is no magic cure for Celiac Disease. There is no magic cure for Anxiety. There is no magic cure for Depression.

There are only ways to control what I have. There are only medicines to ease the pains I have. I'm even recommended to take yoga classes. I am no longer capable of strenuous physical activity.

And I'm not going to lie, it's incredibly frustrating.

I'm sixteen and my health is comparable to someone in their later years.

It's easy to complain, because I have reason to. The thing is, if I complain, I'm letting my illnesses win. I'm letting them control me.

There are days where I want to give up and lay in bed. There are days when I'm in so much pain that I cannot bear it.

When I have to stop dancing at a party because my knees have swollen up, turned completely red, and made my legs so weak that I walk like they're made of jello - THAT'S when it's so easy to give up. When I'm no longer allowed to live my life as a teenager because of the challenges that I've been faced with, THAT'S when I get frustrated. That's when I want to be done. That's when I wish I was someone else.

I am here to tell you that I refuse to allow all of this to define who I am. I am not Celiac Disease. I am not Fibromyalgia. I am not my Arthritis, nor am I my Anxiety or Depression. I am a straight A student. I am a Child of GOD. I am hope. I am faith. I am Jessica, and I am ALIVE.

Here I am as a Christian. I am here before you with a love for God, children, and writing. Someday, I will change the world, and I will not allow my illnesses to stop me. This is where I am defined by my choices, not by my physical state. Where I am no longer defined by my mentality, but by the way that I choose to live. The way I choose to use my challenges to my advantage.

As I sit here and type this, my fingers are cramping up, but again, I'm here to make a difference. I'm here to prove that just because something is expected to break you down, it doesn't have to.

Let your illnesses inspire you to BE, rather than to might have been.

It's time to make a choice and I choose to fight.

Stay golden.

Jessica.