Confidence For One, Please.

I'm back.

Not too much has happened since the last time I logged on and published something onto my blog.

I haven't been out of town.
I haven't been abducted by aliens.
I haven't even been busy.

I have though, unfortunately, been discouraged.

A few days after I wrote my last blog post I looked at my blog and read over my posts a few times and I decided that what I was doing was silly. That no one cared and that I was going to be laughed at if anyone ever found this blog. I decided that while I had no followers, I'd quit. I wouldn't do it anymore.

I didn't tell anyone about my decision and I brushed off my people's questions with a simple, "I'm too busy." or "I just forgot about it."

But I just thought what I'm doing is silly. Complaining about this disease to an internet full of people who don't care, and those who do wouldn't know what they're actually caring about. They'd care, without really knowing what them caring met.

And as I spent more and more time thinking these thoughts, the discouragement grew inside of me, and I decided to quit.

Then it came to me. I was so worried about what people would think of me that I quit doing something that I had been so excited to start and then a newer revelation came to me. It wasn't just my Celiac Disease anymore that was controlling my life: It was my insecurity and low self-esteem that began to take over.

But then I realized something even greater: It was just about my Celiac Disease anymore. This wasn't even just about me anymore. This was about the pressures that society weighs on teenage girls today. This was about the insecurities that I shared with teenage girls all across the world that followed the trends forced upon us by the media. This was about the low self-esteem and distorted body image that teenage girls are plagued with.

Recent studies have shown that the more reality television a girl watches, the more she will take into consideration her appearance. In a survey, 40% of the women that were asked said they'd consider having cosmetic surgery in their future. It is said that young girls who participate in mainstream media are more likely to paint the negative pictures of women that are cast out by magazines such as Glamour and Vogue. Women who participate in the media that is shown today are more likely to look at themselves as sex objects, and will begin to work to gain that image that magazines so easily dish out.

As teenagers, we are more easily influenced than others. We look at the ads that are placed out there by Victoria Secret and stores like Hollister. These models are airbrushed and trimmed to perfection: The ads are placed out there and the message the same from each store: "If you buy our products/merchandise, you can look and feel as beautiful as these woman do." But you end up not feeling that way, and that need to fit in causes you to buy more and more of the product. No matter how hard we try, we will never look just as good as the photo shopped women, because we AREN'T photo shopped women.

We want to fit in with the latest trends. We want to buy those too short shorts, the crop tops, the revealing swim suits... Because all we want is to fit in. I'm as guilty as anyone else. I know that I see pictures of my friends or other girls that I follow on instagram in cute, but revealing clothing and I can't help but think: I wish I looked like that. So I set out and I made it happen. I own the belly shirts, I own the too revealing shorts and swimsuits and yeah, it feels good for awhile. The attention is great, but at the end of the day, I'm ashamed of myself. I'm ashamed of what our society has become. I'm ashamed of what it has come to. The price of feeling "beautiful" shouldn't be my self-respect. It shouldn't be me demeaning myself to a sexual object for the teenage boys of our society who have been taught that it's okay to see us as such.

We become so insecure with ourselves though, with not feeling pretty enough, with being judged because of how "ugly" we think we look, that we give up everything God has blessed us with. We dress in revealing clothing, we murder our hair with heat products, and we cake our faces in make-up just for a glance from a boy, or a jealous look from another teenage girl that helps us feel as if we are successful in our attempts.

                       Society sees me prettier this way: eye make-up done, hair straightened.

       I feel prettier this way: Hair natural (unbrushed on this occasion), and just a little bit of mascara

However, it didn't matter what I felt, I got more attention when I gussied up vs. when I stayed completely natural and allowed myself to be free of any unnatural beauty.

It is said that we see ourselves ten times less attractive than we actually are. I can't say if I really believe that, but it is something that would help someone convince themselves that they are truly beautiful. You can convince yourself of anything.

So many women struggle with body weight issues where they see themselves as "too big" and "not skinny enough", however only 10% of women can actually attain the body weight that the models have. Women's bodies aren't made to be that tiny. You are who you are. God created you in his image, and you are perfect in his eyes, so why try to fix something that is not broken?

Thigh gaps are a huge social controversy and Tumblr fad that has many teenage girls diving into eating disorders to attempt to attain. However, it's been shown that most women's bodies are not made to healthily obtain thigh gaps. I'm slightly underweight for my height - thanks to my Celiac -  and I do not have a thigh gap. It doesn't happen healthily, in most cases. It's not safe.

Recently, one clothing company came out with a campaign that uses only untouched models. Aerie, a branch off of American Eagle that sells intimates, night clothes, and work-out clothing has came up with the #AerieReal campaign, which focuses on using models that are not only untouched, but naturally beautiful and not completely stick thin. They're healthy, looking beautiful women and this move by Aerie has created quite the move among teenage girls everywhere. The campaign focuses on helping women to feel just as good in their clothing as the normal girls do in their pictures. One photo from the campaign shows cellulite on her butt, to tattoos and curves, to even an innocent belly ring hole. This campaign has received praise from all over the nation.

                 Here is a side-by-side comparison of an Aerie girl, and a Victoria Secret model.

She may look sexier, but goodness, the other one looks happy and HEALTHY. While the one on the right is beautiful, she's not one young girls should be aiming to be. It's unattainable. But you know what isn't? Happiness.

I don't know. I'm on a roll right now, and I'm done being worried about what people think. I allowed myself too long to be sucked into a society that only throws out judgment. I'm done being afraid of what people think, and at this point, if someone thinks I'm annoying, let them. Slowly, I'm discovering all kinds of people who love me for the real me. Not for the one I put up a front to be. I'm done with the people who tease me and crush me to control me. The judgment is done. The sad side of me needs to be gone.

And this needs to happen inside of every girl. This kind of personal empowerment needs to occur within all of us. You need to discover the power that is your beauty, that is the real and true you. Not the mean girl who puts down the girls in front of all her friends so they can fit in, not the one who pretends to be stupid and hits the books at home, and not the girls like me who hide their humor and their jokes for their parents at home.

Shine. Let your beauty shine.

Because you know what? There is someone who loves you unconditionally. His love will conquer all things. God created you to be awesome and to be you. He created you to do amazing things in His name. He created you in His image. So what better thought than that? You're beautiful and wonderfully made.

So don't let society stop you from being you.
Don't let anyone stop you.

You were born to stand out, not to fit in.

So do something great today.
Tomorrow.
Next week.
Years from now.
All your lives.

Do great things because YOU are AWESOME!

Stay golden Celiacs.
Stay golden, everyone.

Jessica.

[EDIT] Watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXoZLPSw8U8
Such a powerful message. You are beautiful!

Celiac Disease & Public School.

Self-Control.

A trait that becomes one of the most important in a Celiac's life. It's a trait that becomes important for anyone that has been burdened with a severe food allergy. A trait that becomes the difference between an allergic reaction/attack and going about the rest of your day happily.

In a child that has a gluten allergy/celiac disease, it is harder to build upon that trait from an early age. I've sat through many pizza parties/cupcake days empty-handed, and believe me, even after having to do so for six years, it's still difficult. To watch all of your peers eat that gluten-filled treat with no worries of later attacks, compared to you, who has to be afraid of even receiving a small trace of the protein which can trigger a major attack on your system. I've learned to avert my eyes, to busy myself, or bring my own snacks on those types of days, but it's never the same. People give me pitying looks, I hear "It's not even that good", "You're not missing out on much" and so many varieties of that same phrase. As I sit here thinking as I'm typing, I can't help but imagine the children in elementary school that cannot eat gluten. However, days ago,  I read an article that was comparing the pros/cons of banning parents from bringing in cake/cupcakes period for their children's birthdays, since allergies in children have begun to dramatically increase over the past few years.

In this particular article, the mother of the child WITHOUT the allergy argued that it's not particularly fair that her child isn't allowed to have cake/cupcakes brought to him/her on their birthday just because one child in the room cannot eat the cake. She continues by explaining how the school has a policy where the product has to be allergen friendly and store-bought, it cannot be home-made, and she argues in the article that while it's fair for one child, it's unfair for the rest of the children. If I'm being totally honest right now, she's right. If I could eat wheat, I'd totally think that it's unfair to have to eat that wheat-free stuff, JUST because she can't eat wheat. It's arguable, of course, that gluten-free desserts taste just like (if not better - I'm biased.) regular desserts. However, this stuff is so expensive! Why would anyone want to go to the store and buy a box of $4.32 gluten-free cake mix, when I can just go out and buy a $1.32 regular cake mix? (I price-compared, just for you guys.) It's simple. No one would. I'm that one child in the class who can't eat it, and I wouldn't. It's just how it ends up. I'd rather not take the fun out of getting good food in class for everyone else, just because I cannot eat it! You know? Maybe that's just the passive side of me speaking, but that mother's argument made perfect sense to me! If it bothers you that bad that your child can't eat the cake, make her something else to bring that she can eat while they eat the cake, and on her birthday, make the class a gluten-free cake/cupcakes! It's a simple fix - one that I've been using for years. Having to make up for my own food when I go on trips with the school. It's how things are when you're forced to deal with this.

                                              (See, me baking gluten-free. Easy peasy)
So yes, food. This topic has another side in public schooling: School lunch. Before I even was officially diagnosed with Celiac, I brought my lunch to school. However, now that I officially cannot, I wish I could, or had at least tried it at some point. Carrying a lunch box can get really irritating, especially when you're always having to carry your book-bag, a purse, a bag with a change of clothes for afterschool activities, a 6-foot flagpole/rifle (for color-guard, you might not carry this around with you, to each their own), and then a lunch box on top of that. I look like a pack-mule and anyway I can get away with lifting my load is a way that I welcome with open, pleading arms! Now school lunches are obviously not going to be Celiac-friendly just right off the bat. There are tons of other kids in that school, and they won't revolve their food choices on one child. (See, and we're back to another reason why birthday cake is fine in the classroom.) However, on a brighter-side note, I know my school offers allergy-safe lunches. My mom emailed back and forth with the school lunch manager, and they planned my lunches according to what the other students were eating that day at school. This went on for the first six months of my freshman year. It kind of became a nightmare. The food wasn't exactly the best, and it was embarrassing to be pulled out and about to be handed the lunch specially. I ended up opting out of the program, but it was a good-idea. Don't get me wrong, I give them credit. There was one other student in my school that had "Celiac" disease, and a third grader somewhere else in the county that was on the program with me; so I wasn't alone.

But I am. Let me tell you, I am so alone in the fact that I'm a Celiac and gluten-free at my school. There have been four other people that I can think of that at one point had to go gluten-free due to medical reasons, and three of them are no longer gluten-free because it was a fluke by their doctor; and the one that is still supposed to be gluten-free cheats all the time, and doesn't get major consequences for these slip-ups. (Am I bitter? Yes.) It made me feel better, when there were others that were gluten-free among me. It felt as if someone finally understood what I was dealing with. To have to say no to so many things that I would LOVE to just say yes and eat. But again, I just can't. And it feels as if no-one understands, or takes the time to understand. Not even the adults that are supposed to be supporting me in my school career. That leads me to a huge issue that I've been saving for last:

Bullying.

Oh, what a lovely term that is, isn't it?

I bolded it for emphasis, I think it gives a good effect, yeah?

It's such a huge issue in schools today. It's a big reason why many children are moved to private schools, or are homeschooled. I've found that adolescents tend to poke fun at things they do not understand. So of course, with Celiac disease being such a foreign subject to even me, they would use that to target me, and have been since middle school - although as my disease begins to take a greater effect on my body, the bullying has grown.

It starts with the simple stuff, stuff that doesn't bother me much. Where one of my friends will pick up my lunch out of my lunchbox and will inspect it and go, "Is this your gluten-free crap?" and will open it, harshly judging the taste and talking about how gross it is. I'm used to that. People making fun of the things that I'm eating. That's whatever. However, recently, it's intensified. Boys will be boys. Asking me stupid questions about sexual topics that embarrass me. Talking about how doing things are gluten-free, and that's okay. Boys will be boys. But it shames me.  People asking me if stupid, obvious things are gluten-free. "Is this pool water gluten-free?" To threats: "I'm going to drown you in gluten water." or "What would happen if I forced you to eat this bread?" There is one particular person that bombards me about complaining constantly about my Celiac. He is a regular, healthy kid. However, he seems to point out every single time that I talk harshly about my Celiac. You think that he'd let up, but no. Every single time. He attacks me and tells me to stop complaining, but he just doesn't understand. He has no problems whatsoever to his name. I've tried explaining the severity to my disease, and what it could lead to, but he throws into my face the condition of someone we're both close to who was thought to have Celiac who suffered from neurological issues. People like him are those who cause me to breakdown because no one tries to understand me. They are quick to jump and complain about me, however they don't try to see things from my side and that disappoints me.

I've read about worse bullying due to Celiac. By no means am I saying that I have it bad. I'm saying that it shouldn't be happening at all. It happens even in our media, and that's a huge problem that I will discuss in another post for another time. But for now, this is all I have. A teenage Celiac girl's view of public school.

Stay Golden Celiacs.
Jessica.

Introductions - My Story.

I'm not sure where to start this blog. I've been pondering the idea to create a blog that revolves around my Celiac disease and after weeks of playing with this idea in my head, I finally decided to just go out and do it. However, I've been stuck staring at this screen unable to decide what to write. Then it occurred to me that I should start where every story does: The Beginning.

So, without further rambling (that will be a common thing), here's my story.

I've been a Celiac all my life, obviously. I was diagnosed at the age of nine, while I was in the fifth grade. I remember constantly having stomach aches and always going up to the nurse's office at my elementary school for "Tums". For years, I visited doctors with no answers to my problems. In fact, my elementary school nurse was the first to ever even suggest a food allergy being the culprit for my stomach aches. Originally, we thought that my symptoms were due to lactose intolerance. So I was sent to an Allergy and Asthma clinic near where I live, and I was given the standard allergy tests; pricks in my back and shots in my arms. Blood was also taken and used for tests. I was told I wasn't allergic to anything, and I was sent home to wait for the blood tests results. Around a week and a half later, when I got home from school, my mom told me the news: I was a Celiac.

      (That's me, a few months post-celiac diagnosis! I was skin and bones, and let's face it: Homly.)

The next year following my diagnosis went by ever-so-smoothly. Everything was fantastic. I'd never felt better! I thought that finally I was going to be okay.

Then, before Christmas of my seventh grade year, my world came crashing down before me. Again. I remember sitting in Science class after an exam and feeling a sharp pain in my abdomen. My thoughts raced. I remember panicking as I rushed up to the front office and calling my mom who told me I had to just stick through it. It was terrifying, to say the least. I dealt with severe abdominal pain and bathroom issues for the remainder of my middle school career. I also dealt with severe self-esteem issues, and I began to hate who I was. I looked in the mirror and saw a girl with a big round face, buck teeth, too skinny for words, and sunken in eyes... And I hated myself. I fell into a funk for the longest time. I constantly fished for compliments and people genuinely disliked who I was. I couldn't blame them. I had friends, but they were sparse. No one wanted to be around someone who didn't even want to be around themselves. I was in a dark place for the longest time, and along with my ongoing symptoms, I was miserable.

It was finally towards the middle of my freshman year in high school when I came to terms with what I was suffering from along with my Celiac disease: Severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Depression, as well as a panic disorder. Through the help of some amazing people, I got back on track. I began to feel comfortable again in my own skin, and once I began to love myself, others did too. It was a revelation that I cannot even begin to describe.

Today, I'm a busy junior in highschool who participates in numerous afterschool activities, and let me be the first to tell you that being in colorguard (the one with the marching band) is not the easiest when you deal with daily joint pain. It's incredibly difficult to go through my life day-by-day with my anxiety, and to deal with the littlest pains that cause numerous alarms to go off in my head. My health anxiety is always on the highest alert, and Celiac Disease definitely does not make my life easier. It's been a struggle to go on school trips, go to parties, or even hang out with my friends longer than a few hours since I'm so terrified to get "glutened". But that's every Celiac's biggest fear, isn't it?

Well, other than those minor issues, I'm a happy 15 (almost 16) year old girl who's just trying to get through life as normal as possible.

                     (This is me today, courtesy of the GF expo! I'm not skin and bones anymore!)

So there's that. My story. Not too interesting, but it's me. With this blog, I hope to inspire or at least be able to relate to other Celiac teens, or children who are going through this same exact thing as I am. Be prepared for more posts on topics such as: The GF expo, GF bullying, Getting Glutened... I have big ideas for this blog. So just stick with me here, and I'll deliver.

Stay golden Celiacs.
Jessica.